plz talk dirty to me
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
