Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
