Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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