you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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