perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
