in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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