I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
false alarm, still single
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
