Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
