but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
