I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
