I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
