3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Randomize
