I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
