Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
