Just fell off a train. Bad.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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