I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
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My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
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Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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