fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
