Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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