I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
