Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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