cat food counts as protein by the way
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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