I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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