In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just invented taco cereal.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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