Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
