they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
