Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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