Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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