i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
