I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
