I have demons in me.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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