I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
