The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
