I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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