Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You need Xanax blowdarts
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
