I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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