I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
My apartment stinks of burning failure
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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