You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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