I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
