Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I will be naked everywhere
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
