Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
