I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
