Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
