it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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