I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
