imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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