mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
