i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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