tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
