The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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