I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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