then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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