I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
