Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
they need to just BURY HIM!
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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