Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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