Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
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I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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