dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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