my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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