Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
