Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
