We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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