I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
